I am scared as hell that I’m going to lose my edge, and that everything is going to get so nice and safe that I’m eventually going to get bored as hell and like fall asleep.

I’m scared of falling asleep because I don’t want to end up a typical American zombie, which is more or less the state of 95% of the people that I meet.  The fact that I fall in love with people doesn’t mean they’re not zombies.  I have plenty of wonderful zombies in my life.

Sa tells me that I’m never going to lose my edge because that’s who I really am.  Part of me agrees that it isn’t something that needs defending, but that doesn’t stop me from being terrified.

I know that if I were to travel and live all over the world having adventures — and I’ve done a lot of that of that — that I’m not going to find anything outside myself.   I know what’s down that road, I’ve been there.  It’s just more, more, more, which leads nowhere.  And an occasional revelation, which I have plenty of anyway.

Much more difficult for me to sit still and work inwards, and deal with the nothingness I find inside myself, and that is no longer driving me.